I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
