i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
