every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
