I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Of course I have a pirate flag
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
