I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
