You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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