I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
