I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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