Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
