Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
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