i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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