today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
