I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
