My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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