Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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