did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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