Taylor Swift is so right about you.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
