You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
