yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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