A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
