do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
