listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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