Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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