I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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