my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
