He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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