Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
And then my night got REAL pukey
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
