every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Randomize
