I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
