Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
