god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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