How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
