Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
