Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
