My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
now i know why i became what i already was.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
