mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize