i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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