you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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