you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
