You kept calling me your small dog last night.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
