Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
