I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
