Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
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what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
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Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof