Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
