why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize