Swine flu is the new snow day.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
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