We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
