Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
