Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
