when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
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you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
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I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I think people are normalizing furries
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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