i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
