Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
