I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
