I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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